Michael is two months old today! Supposedly it gets 'better' after the first two months. For me, it hasn't been bad at all so if it gets even better - I can't wait!

 

We have our Mom and Baby Fitness class today and then we are meeting a friend for lunch. I'm still at war with my excess body fat - but it is what it is and as long as it's coming down I really can't complain. Looking 'good for just having had a baby' is a bit substandard for me. I can't carry this as an excuse for my entire life! Boycotting Easter Dinner and all chocolate was a good plan for me though... I didn't miss it at all, but I know if I would have 'participated' I would have stuffed myself full with food I don't particularly love and certainly don't need at this size.

 

Oh well - it's that patience thing again!

 

This weekend my girls compete at Southern Alberta Championships in hopes to qualify for the Provincials - judging by the looks of things this week, they are well-prepared and should all qualify. I had a particularly good training with my group last night, there was a really good energy that was happening and it made the evening very productive and enjoyable. They look good - I wouldn't be surprised if we had some event champions and maybe even an all around champion within our club! That would be awesome!!!

It's so interesting how time can change your entire 'context'. Not just one or two things, but your entire life can shift within a short time span causing a chain reaction of changes that you don't realize are happening until you step back and reflect upon how things used to be. A year ago I was so overstimulated, overworked, selfish, frustrated, and obsessive. I'm sure I'm still a bit of a couple of those things, but having Michael has definitely given me a calmness and serenity that I have never experienced before. I still think about the same kinds of things, I still want to lose weight and better myself. I still crave competition in all different forms, but I feel as though I have a new thought process in which anything to do with me is secondary and not the 'be all end all' of life.

 

My daily moments at home are what life is all about. Catering to this helpless little baby who will never need me again as much as he does right now, it's awesome. I am not getting caught up in thoughts like 'I can't wait until he crawls, walks, talks, etc.' because all of that will come soon enough. I am really just enjoying how 'little' he can do and amazed by how much of what we know is learned and the entire process of learning.

 

Within the last couple of weeks he has learned how to smile and make all kinds of bizarre noises. You can just see that he just wants to express himself so badly, but doesn't have the means yet! His head bobs all over while he creates all kind of sounds. And sometimes the only way he sees fit to get his point across is to scream and cry, which is fine too - except when it's in public. Seriously though, I am so lucky to have such a good baby.

 

Another part of my new context - related to weight of course - is my entirely new relationship with food. It is only now that I am understanding the necessity of the horrible 'physical' issues I had through my pregnancy. I became pregnant after coming off one of my obsessive contest diets which fit nicely with my all or nothing personality. I can eat chicken, egg whites, and vegetables for 16 weeks if I have to for a show... but if there's no show... there's no control! When I became pregnant - something new happened. I could not go two hours without eating, not because I was just hungry, but because I would get physically ill. On top of that, I could not stand the sight or smell of protein, or anything healthy for that matter. So for nine months I constantly ate carbs, sugar and fat. There were no limits for the first time in my life and when you are needing to find something to eat every two hours or less, you basically eat anything and everything. Hence the 80 lb weight gain.

 

Now, I could care less about food. Honestly. My weight loss efforts are focussed on exercise and sleep because the food part is so far removed from my mind. I enjoy being hungry, because for almost a year I was constantly full or sick... no in between. I don't like to be starving... but to constantly be a bit hungry actually feels good right now.

 

I equate the feeling now to the opposite of being on a strict diet and all you can think about is food and what you can't have... except now all I want to do is not think about food or be constantly eating because that was ALL I was doing for so long, and I felt so horrible in the process. There is no food out there that elicits any kind of 'novelty' response from me. I've had it all. There is no compulsion to eat or to find food, or to even finish a meal. The relationship has finally changed, and it's working in my favor.

 

I am still close to 200 lbs, but I am now sure that I will never see a '2' in front of my weight again. I still have a patience issue with my weight, but 4 lbs this week and almost 50 lbs since my last day of pregnancy both motivates and relieves me that it will all happen soon enough. Every day my wardrobe expands as something new from the past fits again, or fits better. I can finally do up my so-called 'fat jeans' but you won't see me in those for a while. Doing them up is far different from them actually fitting! It's a matter of squeezing enough 'muffin top' fat over the waist band to connect the button and the hole - it's not a pretty picture!

 

But I have been a warrior with my workouts! I'm on the elliptical at home every chance I get, I am now doing hot yoga 4 days a week, I am doing lots of walks and in my head I am training for a 10k in July. I am actually trying to follow a running program, but I have always been terrible at running and right now is no exception!

 

Be aware of my one pet peeve that people are saying to me right now though - 'You're so lucky you lose weight so fast' LUCKY??? I attribute the word 'lucky' to situations where you come out on top when you're not really in control... like winning the lottery - that's lucky. Being constantly hungry by choice and working out more than I ever have in my life is not luck. I don't want a parade, or even acknowledgement in any form for what I am doing - it is all for me. But please do not undermine how hard I am working by saying I'm lucky - or that the weight is 'falling off'. Weight does not 'fall' off of this body!!! Believe me!

Six weeks has passed and now there's nothing holding me back (and no excuses) for getting back into the swing of things. I have been working out like a maniac and have been non-stop sore since my go-ahead to work out again on Monday. We have set up a gym downstairs with free weights, an elliptical, a chin-up bar, dip bar and incline bench - so I have a zillion options for workout programs in my own home. I set up a schedule for myself like I would a client and it is definitely kicking my butt. Plus - my return to hot yoga was humbling to say the least. But I need to remember how hard and how frustrating it was to be in that state so that I never return to that.

 

My weight was down 4 lbs this week which means the working out is definitely going to be an asset. I always want it to be more, but sometimes I just have to relax and let things happen on their own time. I am angry with myself - but in a good way. There is anger that leads to helplessness and self-loathing and then there is anger that leads to change and determination. I am entirely of that type of anger right now. I have no doubt that I will reach my goal weight, even if it takes a bit longer than I would like.

 

And also pushing me back into the swing of things is gymnastics competitive season. I love competition, and I love everything it represents. This weekend was the Jurassic Classic at the University of Calgary. So far so good - all my girls have walked away with something and we've had quite a few medals as well with a few girls still left to compete.

 

Michael will be going to watch his first gymnastics competition tonight. I am getting more comfortable taking him places - I still don't fully trust him not to cry, but it's getting better. Plus I learned how easy it is to manouever around South Centre Mall with a stroller - I see lots of shopping trips on weekday afternoons in our future!

Yay! Michael rolled over from his stomach to his back... kind of by accident, but very advanced for 6 weeks old!

 

I was giving him his sponge bath and he was on his tummy, he pushed himself up and then turned to look at me and before he knew it he was on his back! His arms flailed up in the air and he started crying becuase I am sure he scared himself, but it was super cute!!

 

He's growing so fast too. I can't wait to see what he weighs at his check up on Monday!

 

And I can't wait to get my own weight loss rolling a bit quicker... boo for steady numbers!!! I need some numbers like they get on the Biggest Loser! I will have lost 40 lbs at my six-weeks check up from my last appointment before having the baby, I supposed that is somewhat of an accomplishment. If only I had stayed in the reccomended guidelines for weight gain! 40 lbs wouldn't be only the halfway point!!!

 

Otherwise, things are good. I started back coaching this week. We're getting ready for the peak of the season so it's an exciting and intense time for everyone. The girls have all done really well so far this season! The Provincial Championships are just over a month away, and that's the 'big one' for my girls. They're going to do great.

 

I made a Hot Yoga date with myself for Wednesday... I'm so excited, but I know it may kill me after 10 months of nothingness! Wish me luck!